The past is struggling always in you

Recently I found out that will have place a meeting to 20 years after the completion of the Theological Seminary, of my lyceum. In September 2017.

And about this special period from my life, I have much to say. Firstly, that it was full of sadness and loneliness in the first 3 years. As a recent convert to my own faith, I went to the Seminary for more. For more books, for more ghostual experience, for many faithful friends. I have not tried to make me a priest, but to find out what it means to be an Orthodox and for that to save myself.

But, unfortunately, I left from my village and from the serenity of my family…into  a cold world, interested, often without vocation for the priesthood. Because I had little money, I had to stay at the dorm of lyceum, and we lived six adolescents into a small room. Our miserable „hotel” woke up at 6 and slept at 22. In rest: teaching, we go to courses, we pray and eat.

And we did not have a library of ours, one theological, and we could not go out in town without ticket of will from the director of the lyceum. And, at Church, we went in column.

More briefly: my lyceum was a prison, with  military regime, the penalty for disobedience being…the haircut at zero. And than it was a shame to be tonsured in head at zero…

So standing the things, for me, the Theological Seminary in self was a great unfulfillment. And that period would have been one completely dark, if, in the last two years of studies, I would not have met two fundamental persons: on the Blessed Ilie the Seer of God, my ghostual Father, and on my future wife, the Priestess Gianina Maria-Cristina.

Through these two providential persons, I was reborn to life, I got to read the books that I wanted and we had genuine dialogues, theological, ghostual, of conscience. For that the Blessed Ilie was the biggest Saint hesychast which had Romania in the 20th century, and Gianina has become my disciple in the ghostual life and my most profound partner of dialogue.

And, thanks to them, my life at lyceum became one very productive and bright, for that I began to read, to write and to pray more. So that, my life at Turnu Măgurele, at lyceum, was darkened, and then come out the Sun, the Sun of righteousness.

And because my real studies were outside the lyceum, I finished the lyceum with the conscience that has been very weak. I had no real teachers, I had no courses worked, I was not taught to have godliness and, just for these, I had left of home.

Then, I searched real teachers and true theological courses and at faculty and at doctorate…and again I was disappointed by the existing level.  I searched at online level people who live and speak theologically and…I realized that these people are very rare. Because the theology, the great theology, is missing not only from Romania, but, also, and from other parts of the world.

For that the theology is in those who live with God and not in those that teaches, from chair, about God. According as, you can be a priest without vocation, a simple employee of the Church, and to ruin people’s lives by your unbelief and indifference. Because the theology and the priestly life are for pious people, for those called by God, not for secularized people and lacking of profoundness.

And, with all these, I answered…that, probable, I will come. Because these meetings are not interested of sensibilities…but of number. And if I was part of that year, I must come and to say present and to smile nicely.

But my past will remain the same…even if no one will agree with it and with me. Because the past is alive in us.